Letter from Sam, 15th October 2017

Hey, it’s Sam here, currently sat in my cage, three steps from my toilet and one step from my bed. I’d say this cell is about 10ft by 5ft. I hate to call it a cell as to me its a cage. I dunno what I wish to say really. My mind doesn’t function how it did ten years ago before my imprisonment. My memory’s shit too, I feel tired all the time due to doing so little every single day. I serve food two the girls on the wing three times a day which takes an hour out of my day. I sit around the rest of the time lost as what to do. People like me don’t get a chance to work in what they call a ‘privileged job’. However, at least I’d be off the wing, busy, then again I’d also be even more of a slave to the system!

Hunger is a major issue due to the fact I don’t eat meat and got sick to death of rice/potatoes (carbs) years ago. I call them sedatives on top of the 11 tablets they try to sedate me with every day!!! Truth is I’m so used to the tablets they may as well give me sweets. I have bi-polar and they see to think these tablets help. Truth is no medication I’ve ever been prescribed within prison helps me when I have episodes.

They sedate me because I’m on a lifers unit and 90% of the women have lost themselves and stay in their cages when we’re unlocked. Well NOT me, my beautiful wild spirit and big personality will never cave into them. See I love laughter, music, dancing and good times, so I spend my time embracing a bad situation the best I can. On bad days, I may cry down the phone, sob myself to sleep, however on the days I plaster a smile on my face infant of all the screws coz I know that gets to them better.

Duty to care, my arse. Only a few days ago they tried to ship my mate out and bless her spirit, by the time they got “reinforcements”, she was naked on her wardrobe with just a Santa hat on and a paint pot to throw at them. Funny enough, when she came back from seg they decided the ship out was unnecessary. What they did to her to get her to the seg in the first place, apparently that isn’t breaking the law… my arse. I know how they work as I’ve been in a freezing cell in their seg or as they call it “separation and care” beaten by them!!! You can’t win if they decide to abuse you as they come in and you’re totally outnumbered and when you’re naked on the floor a kick in the head goes down well, as they walk off laughing. I know this as it’s happened to me and all I wanted was some clothes, even just some underwear.

So yeah, that’s just a tiny bit about me and my time in prison. I currently have anal cancer which I have no idea really what treatment I’ll get, what date I’ll go to hospital as the Healthcare, or as we call it, Healthcare doesn’t know anything about my condition as anal cancer is quite rare. So all I can do is sit here wondering – I know I will be a survivor though because I’m Sam Faulder, a true survivor, and a true fighter. Well, I’ve opened up a bit about my experience…. I don’t even know the correct words to describe my feelings – anger, pain, frustration, and sometimes I’m in the depths of despair, but I’ll keep on smiling because I have to.

I love you too much,