Letter from Sam, August 2018

Hi Sam here,

I’ve been in a very dark place the last few months. I have bi polar but it weren’t down to that. I felt like the joke was over and I’d had enough of everything, people chatting shit 24/7, the sound of keys, doors banging, fights, rows, shit music coming out of other cells, the food, the boredom, the whole fucking routine. I’ve never struggled as much in my whole sentence and believe me, when I was in Holloway, naked, bruised, beaten, isolated and without my meds I was depressed then, but this felt more intense. Despair, total despair. I have no words to describe it.

When Nicole came to see me I was in tears for weeks and I never want my beautiful Nicole to worry about me more than she already does, but I couldn’t control it. I just hope she had support out there. I thought about suicide and became quite obsessed with it. I didn’t want to do it because I have to live until my appeal and hopefully kiss free soil. If not, too right I’d let me wild spirit go on it’s way, we don’t belong here for real!

I also celebrated another birthday on July 10th, my mates made it a lot of fun an I felt special that day. Nicole’s card for my birthday made me cry; a moonpig one with various photos of us and a slogan written on it. It bought back so many precious memories. My loyal good mate Lorraine sent me a card that made my eyes fill up. Bless them. Maybe that’s what set my depression off knowing it was my 11th birthday in these hell holes, I don’t know.

Also my health, the cancer – it didn’t spread, thank fuck! Just waiting until the 25th to see the doctor and get some understanding of what next. I’m used to being left in lingo.

I’m really lucky because I receive a few postcards from supporters, usually from another country. How about that complete strangers taking the time to write to me WOW?! It restores my faith that there are some good humans in the world.

My bestie jail friend, a friend for life but I met her in 2012 in Holloway and we’ve done 3 jails together is due here anyway. I could be today for all I know. Her name is Kathy and I know she won’t mind me mentioning her, another lifer. I keep going to the reception window to see if I can see her there. I wish she’d hurry up, I need her.

I spend a lot of time with a little girl called Sophie, she’s 18 years old, suffers with anorexia and weighs 39 kilograms! Also bulimia and PTSD, depression, anxiety, split personality, OCD and traits of schizophrenia. She’s going to say hello – she’s like a daughter to me and wants to say hello:

“Hi guys, I’ve never wrote to a worldwide audience before but here goes; I’m 18 years old and a grateful person to Sam Faulder. She’s been there for me through everything – as you all probably know, she’s an inspiration to us all! She’s a kind hearted, generous, wonderful, unique woman who I wouldn’t change for the world! She’s always managed to put a smile on my face without a doubt and made me feel safe and loved and cherished – so here’s a big shout out to Sam, my bestest friend <3 🙂 xxxxxxx”

So that’s unexpected, she just read it to me and my eyes filled up.

It’s 4.30pm and I’m locked in now till tomorrow and will be unlocked at 8.45am. We got robbed for 1/2 an hour as we’re meant to get locked in a 5pm. I don’t and never will get it or even begin to work it out why we don’t all stick together and fight for our rights. Oh no they are too scared of loosing their TVs, pathetic really! There aren’t many old school left really. It’s a different generation now and as long as they have a phone they are happy.

I have a great friend who is 69 years old and been in most of her life, she’s a real giggle and an honour to know. I love the bones of her. He goes soon to what looks like a nursing home on the pamphlet she’s got. Anyway, I wash her bedding and clean her sides and bathroom down and mop the floor. She’s a laugh a minute and the most inspirational woman I’ve ever met and if I’m half as positive about life at her age I’ll be blessed, trust.

So that really must be everything. Thank you if you’re reading this and have sent me a letter or postcard, you know who you are. Please know they all mean so much to me, it’s a genuine smile when I open them so BIG should out to you all. Till next time, welcome to my life!!

With hope in my heart,